


What's the day without a little night?

by zauthor



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Hurt Zayn, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slice of Life, Suicide Attempt, Tired Zayn Malik, Younger Zayn, Zayn-centric, based on the logic song, it's more about friendship than anything else., louis is the best friend we all need, zayn is tired of life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-06 19:55:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12217830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zauthor/pseuds/zauthor
Summary: This story is about a boy who realizes life doesn't have to be all the worst things in the world. It's about friendship and love in the purest of sense. It's about the crutches that you require to move forward in life, about how you lose yourself only to find out your true self.And when you stare at your reflectionFinally knowing who it isI know that you'll thank God you did.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [craziestfangirl98](https://archiveofourown.org/users/craziestfangirl98/gifts).



> This is my take on the logic song 1-800-273-8255 for meri jaan @craziestfangirl98 's birthday and I hope you really like it.

Like any other teenage drama story, this one also starts with a boy. One Liam Payne, who has the perfect grades, who attends all of his classes, has a clean record and a fairly functional family, which is already a lot more than you can say for Zayn.

Who is Zayn?

He's the skinny boy under the mop of unruly black hair, who likes to sneak peeks at that boy to make his day a little better. He's also the boy who if lucky get acknowledged by Liam Payne and proceeds to fantasize about that until the next time it happens.

You see for the people in their town, Liam Payne is the golden boy, their legacy, their next great name on the wall of fame, someone who they'd talk about for generations. But for Zayn, Liam Payne is the thread that ties him to sanity. He's the gummy smiles and the soft pat on his back. The reassurance that even if it's all going to shit, there's always Liam to look at and feel good about.

It's not like they're the bestest of friends, not even close. They don't have any classes together and sometimes it's hard to even see each other in the hallways, also Liam- unlike Zayn- has actual friends that he likes to hang out with during lunch. Zayn never tries to impose himself on them, after all, it's not like feeling left out is something high on his to-do list. Basically, he doesn't see Liam until the other boy takes it upon himself to approach him, whether it's during lunch break or between lectures it's for Liam to decide.

Sometimes, when it's especially bad, he has these urges, urges that he can't control. And before he can convince his mind otherwise, he'll find himself outside Liam's common room and he'd just stand there and stand there and just stand there until someone he knew noticed him and that would bring him right back to the surface. Then without a word, he'd walk back to where he came from never letting Liam know that he kind of needed him.

It was a vicious cycle, one Zayn had entered without even meaning to.

**+**

  
As far as families go, Zayn's isn't as bad as his mind sometimes makes him thinks it is. I mean, it's not the classic high school sweethearts got married and had a lovechild but it's not drunk dad kills wife and son either. When he actually thinks about it his parents aren't that bad, safe from the fact that they are very religious, which leads us to the part where they believe that people like him are sinners and will never have eternal happiness. Perfect.

It isn't like he has told them that he thinks he may be more into sucking a dick than being one but he's certain if they did find out there'd be no more conversation on his part, not taking into account how he has gone completely mute since he himself discovered that he... didn't like girls.

They're sitting on the kitchen table, just the three of them, Zayn's moving around his cereal in an attempt to look busy, when his mother suddenly drops the fork and smiles at both him and his father. " You know the Tomlinson's? They've decided to move back next door."

" Ahan? Because of Johanna?" His father says, folding his newspaper and putting it on the table as cleanly as possible.

" Yes." She sighs.

" Such a nice lady, it's a shame she died so young." His dad says. Zayn tries to think if he knows a Johanna who has died but nothing comes back to him, he ponders for a moment but then his mum is talking again and his questions are answered.

" It is. Her eldest goes to school with Zayn. Do you know him?" She looks directly at him, a smile plastered to her face. As much as Zayn wants to keep the illusion that he wants to be a part of this, he can not stand when his parents start up a conversation just to involve him. What he wants to say is that no, he doesn't know him because if they haven't noticed he doesn't know anyone but for the sake of less drama, he just settles on shaking his head. His mothers smile falters into a slightly grim expression and he knows he has disappointed her yet again, but what he doesn't understand is why she expected better from him in the first place.

" Who's taking care of the kids?" His dad is doing the thing where he tries to settle the awkwardness with more talk, which in Zayn's opinion makes it all worse because when they are talking amongst themselves, he has more opportunities to overthink everything.

" Her husband. He's a nice man." She says in a quieter voice, clearly not wanting to keep up with the conversation anymore.  
This is their very own morning routine, the same thing every single day just slightly different here and there. After breakfast, they do their dishes and then everyone is on their respective trains of routine.

Zayn himself has a fifteen-minute commute to the bus stop, which he likes to spend listening to one chosen song on repeat, and today it happens to be happier by Ed Sheeran. In his vast experience with music, Zayn has come to a conclusion that musicians are like authors. They'll mold a song in a way it affects the listener the most. Basically, they are people who could relate to you on a certain level that nobody else can. Well, either that or they are assholes who make you cry from time to time and that's that.

He almost trips over his something when someone grabs him from behind and straightens him. He's still listening to the song, dazed as blue eyes look back at him concern shining in them. Zayn recognizes him. He has seen him around in school. It's a second too late when Zayn realizes that the other boy's lips are moving and when he takes the earphone out the boy has stopped talking and now they stand in awkward silence.

" Erm, sorry."

" sorry."

They say together.

" I'm the one who tripped you though. Zayn, right?" The boy chuckles. He pushes his hand forward for him to shake and Zayn takes it after a second of anxious hesitation.

" Yeah." He is nodding excessively, he knows but he can't seem to stop doing it.

" I'm Louis." Louis smiles." We've just moved next door to you. You don't mind if we walk to school together?" Zayn just shakes his head before continuing his walk down the road.

Louis tries to make small talk all the way to the bus stop and then during the bus ride itself but Zayn could only nod, not knowing how he was supposed to respond to this kind of treatment. He wants to be able to talk to the other lad but it's been so long since he gave out his words without any qualms that he doesn't really remember how to do it anymore. They split up for their classes and Zayn thinks that's it, that Louis was just trying to be nice to him and he's done now. But then when school ends and Louis walks with him back to the bus, this time silently he realizes that maybe it's not over.

Maybe it's only just starting.

 

**+**

 

The first time it really gets bad is when his GCSE result comes out. Zayn isn't sure what he feels about his straight A's but when his mum smiles at him and his dad tells him that he doesn't know if he should do a backflip or a somersault, he decides he's happy about it. It might also have something to do with Liam giving him a huge smile and Louis telling him that he's happy he finally knows someone who actually gives a shit about school. They aren't really friends per say but Louis likes to tell him about his day as they make their way home and he likes to whine about how long the day will on their way to school. Zayn doesn't really give much input and he actually likes it i.e not having to give something in order to keep someone around.

It's a very good day for Zayn. His parents take him out for lunch and then they go to his favorite bookstore so that he can buy something as a reward. He settles on some marvel comics and a bunch of other novels. It's later when they're having dinner that everything goes to shit.

" You know what you wanna do in A'levels? Like subjects?" His mother asks. It's a simple question, one that he has answered a hundred times before in his head but his throat still closes up and it's more than difficult to form the words.

" I want to choose Art." He clears his throat, eyes landing on his father. Yaser drops his fork in the plate and looks at him directly.

" What?" His father looks genuinely surprised. Zayn is confused. Has he really not noticed his love for art or is he deliberately ignoring it?

" I want to choose Art and English." He tries again, but his father is having none of it.

" Are you crazy?" Zayn flinches as Yaser rises up from his chair abruptly knocking his glass over. Zayn remains quiet, his heart curling in on itself." Do you think I'll let you throw away your grades on something pesky like this?" And there's that word again, the word being used for his precious dream.

" Yaser." His mother is looking at his father, her reasoning face on. Zayn doesn't really want her to get involved in this, not when he knows they're going to end up fighting because of this and that's the absolute last thing he wants.

" What?" His father is screaming now and Zayn can feel the tears at the corner of his eyes.

" I think Zayn should get to decide..." His mother starts and his father turns his head towards her to project his anger at her now.

" And throw away his fucking future, no." Zayn flinches as he watches the fight waiting to happen. His father is screaming too loud and his heart just can't take it.

" Dad..." He tries to settle the tension but then his father is turning at him, his eyes red with anger.

" No, you will keep the sciences. This is the end of this conversation." And it is.

His mother tries twice to help his case after that day but his father either just cuts off the conversation or just starts a fight, which leads to more messiness. Zayn feels as if his heart would dissolve into a mush. He doesn't understand. He has done everything right. Never did drugs, never even thought about it. Followed the rules. He thought that getting good grades would change things a bit but now look where he is. He got good grades and he's still as worthless and as much of a disappointment as he was on the day his parents found out about him.

Zayn's sitting on the pavement outside his house and he's looking at the empty road. There's an orange bottle clutched in his left hand. It has his mother's name on it.

" It helps me sleep." She had told her once when he had asked her why she needed them. He looks at them now and all he can think is maybe sleeping would be better. He rubs on the prescription bottle trying to rub out the side effects, maybe that way he won't feel bad for doing it to his body. After all, his body is the only thing that hasn't done him any wrong. He thinks of what they would say later.

Teen commits suicide because his father didn't let him choose his own subjects.

Pretty pathetic, if you ask him. I mean there are a lot more reasons to die in the world and this was just an annoying part of growing up. But Zayn's just tired and he can't do this anymore. Why should he keep putting in efforts when nobody is going to appreciate them? He used to think his dad would actually be there for him when he conquers the world or whatever but now he sees that nobody actually cares about him. They have their own dreams and he's just someone they use to get to their dreams.

He's crying, he can feel the tears soaking the collar of his shirt. That's all he's doing these days, feeling like shit and crying. He can't help but think that he was doing this thing, life, for his parents and now it's simply not worth it.

It's still fairly early and the street is empty. And he's definitely not supposed to feel a pat on his back. Zayn screams like a banshee, scared out of his skin.

" What the fuck, dude? You scared the shit out of me." It's Louis, Zayn realizes breathing out a sigh of relief.

" I scared the shit out of you?" He says breathlessly.

" Yeah. What are you doing out here this early?" Louis sits next to him as Zayn catches up his breath.

" I could ask you the same." He replies.

Louis settles his head on Zayn's shoulder, the latter realizing that he didn't really mind much. " My sister is crying again. She thinks she's quiet about it but I can hear her every time."

" Why is she crying?" He asks when Louis doesn't continue his story.

Louis takes a deep breath snaking his arm around Zayn's." Because of mom." He mumbles out and Zayn feels more like shit. This is what he was talking about when he said there were more reasons to die for in the world.

" I'm sorry about her." That's all he can say. He feels like choking when Louis carefully pulls out the orange bottle from his hand and places it in his lap.

" It's fine. She is in a better place." He doesn't mention the bottle and a part of Zayn is disappointed that he doesn't. " Why are you out here?"

" My Dad thinks I should do science," It's only fair that he gives out a bit of his own story.

" And you wanna do what?" _I wanna die._

" Art." He says for the sake of simplicity." It's like he'll hate me if I don't do it. Like he only tolerate's me because I'm fulfilling this dream of his. What is my life?" Zayn can tell he's leaning on the other boy but he can't bring himself to care about it.

" You're okay. Don't worry. It'll all be alright." Louis wraps his arm around him and it's the last straw. Before Zayn knows he's bawling like a little child and there's nothing that can stop him. He doesn't really mean to but he clings onto Louis as if he's depending on him to pick him up. And what's that about? Zayn has never been the one to depend on people but maybe, just maybe, this once he would really like for someone to drag him out of the hole that he has dug himself into.

 


	2. 2

As much as he wants to say that things change after that and he lives happily ever after, that is not what happens because this is real life and real life is devastating sometimes. He gets enrolled under the science category and his father remains disappointed in him, something about how he shouldn't ever question his decisions. The only three things that are different are 1. He and Louis are actually friends now 2. That he and Liam might be friends and 3. He doesn't live life to please people anymore. He has stopped trying to be that perfect child, he now knows that he can never be and does things just for the sake of them. Although his parents don't seem to notice anything odd with his behavior. Zayn thinks it must have something to do with how they don't actually care unless it's about grades. Louis on the other hand notices. He knows Zayn is falling off the train of life and he tries his best to get him back to it.

" What are you trying to prove?" The older boy asks him one day when he finds him on his porch a cigarette dangling from his thin lips.

" Nothing?" Zayn replies, lighting up the cigarette. He knows it's not nothing. If it was nothing, he wouldn't want his parents to see how he doesn't actually give a shit about what they think either.

" You're not doing this." Louis pulls the cigarette out of his lips, tossing it on the ground before stamping on it.

" Why?" Zayn almost yells out in frustration.   
Louis looks him in the eyes before replying. " Because this isn't you."

" And you know me?" Zayn knows he's just being bitter at this point and when Louis' face falls into a somewhat sad expression he knows he's done wrong.

" I thought I did," Louis mutters, pulling out his best fake smile and then walking away.

With a heart heavier than before Zayn walks back into his house. It's strange, the feeling under his skin. He doesn't understand it. It's like he'll explode out of his skin and there will be nothing left of him. His eyes are tearing up again and he knows he's wrong but there's this part of him, that has developed quite a bit in the past few months, it makes him believe that he doesn't care about it.

" Nobody gives a shit." He chants to himself before wiping the tears from under his eyes. He walks off to his room and starts on the canvas he had left to dry in the morning. He has been painting a lot lately but nothing seems to be turning out good. He always has great plans for the canvas and in the end, it just joins the mess of black and gray in a corner of the storage cupboard.

Today is no different. He wants to rip the canvas apart when black is all he can see on the previously white sheet. The strokes that were so carefully placed had all turned into a mess that is nothing more than a mess, much like his life. He feels the tears pooling at the back of his throat.

He scoffs at his state. It's like crying is all he's good at lately and it's getting on his nerves. All he can do is sit and cry about how everything is going wrong. His dreams hold no importance as his talent withers out from under his grasp. He's finally a good for nothing. He's not good at studying. Not good at art. Not good at life. Period.

He actually agrees with his parents now. He's nothing more than a disappointment.

Louis finds him in the same state when he comes to pick him up later.

" It's game night," He reminds him. Zayn can't say he's not surprised that Louis came back acting around like nothing happened but instead of mentioning it he just decides to be grateful for it.

Game night is a thing between all of them. By all of them, he means him, Louis and Louis' friends. Louis' always drags him along and at first, it used to be a whole bunch of anxious greetings and hiding in the corner with his selective mutism but now Zayn realizes he likes game nights. He never actually plays but he likes sticking around for the sake of human contact and laughing. Also, maybe because Liam is there too.  
It was when Louis invited him to eat lunch with him after that heartfelt conversation on the pavement that Zayn realized Louis' friends were also Liam's friends. Zayn wasn't sure then if he wanted to invade their privacy and put them all in an awkward situation but with Louis, nothing was ever a choice. It took them all almost two weeks to actually adapt to Zayn and still he can't confirm if they are friends or just people who see each other five times a week.

" You know you promised you'd let me see your gamer skills this week." Louis reminds him as they walk towards Liam's house, where this weeks game night is apparently.

" Yeah, well I'm not sure. You're a sore loser." Zayn chuckles at Louis' response. The older lad brings his hand to his heart in mock pain.

" I'm not. You take that back right now." He pushes Zayn's shoulder making the boy chuckle again.

" You stomped on the console last time when Harry won." He deadpans. Louis gasps before bringing Zayn under his arm. He has taken a liking to doing that every time he feels like it.

" That's because Harry is never supposed to win. That boy is already too cocky." Zayn notices the twinkle in Louis' eyes when he talks about Harry. There's something going on between the two boys and he thinks it's more than just banter.

" Is he now?" The underlying suspicion comes out clear in that single question. Zayn's stomach drops. " Oh my God, I didn't mean it like that." He jumps out of Louis' grasp, looking at the older boy directly. A jolt of fear rushes through his body and he stops walking.

" Didn't mean it like what?" Louis stops too, he looks genuinely confused.

" Like..." Zayn doesn't know how to explain it. He wrings his hands together trying to find the right words but then Louis is talking again.

" Like I was gay and had a giant-sized crush on Harry Styles. Yes, You did and you were right." The nonchalance in his voice is something Zayn doesn't quite understand. He just told him he was gay. How is he not freaking out?

" And you're okay with that?" That ridiculous question slips out of his lips before he can really think about it.

" Yes. Are you not?" Louis' tone comes out defensive, his eyes narrowed to slits.

" No." Zayn rushes out before correcting himself." I mean, yes. I accept you."

Louis gives him one long glance before smiling at him and bringing him back under his arm." Good because I like you and I don't wanna whoop your ass for something so petty." He ruffles his hair and they start walking again.

He feels like that is a good point to leave the conversation but Zayn's mind is in a whirlwind and he can't help but ask. " Does..." Louis brings his attention back to him. " Does anybody know?"

" Yeah." The smile on his face never falls.  
Zayn swallows before asking, " And?"

" And, nothing. I'm gay and that's that." There's something about Louis' careless attitude about his sexuality that makes Zayn admire him even more than he already does.

" Is Harry gay?"

" Is that even a question?" Louis laughs.

" Not really." Zayn joins him." Your family?" He knows he should stop with all of these questions but he just can't help it.

" What?" Again there's that confused expression on Louis' face which makes Zayn feel like he's the stupidest person on the planet.

" Do they know?" Regardless, He sticks to the question.

" Yes!" Louis' breathes out clearly exasperated. Zayn thinks he might've gone too far but then Louis looks him square in the eye and starts." Zayn let me explain to you one thing. Sexual orientation and gender aren't things that you can control. You don't just wake up and are like OMG I like boys now or I should be a girl. No that's all bullshit. You are born this way and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise then fuck them because it's 2017 and that shit is getting old."

" But I'm not." Zayn feels the need to say that out loud and even to his ears, it sounds like a lie.

" What?"

" Gay."

" I never said you were." Louis just ruffles his hair again and then starts on a story about that time when he had to babysit his youngest siblings and he had ended up with a blue color milk and the same color barf later.

Zayn's thoughts remain latched to what Louis had said about sexuality and gender. Was he really born this way? And if he was, then why did it felt so wrong to be him?

Everyone is already there sitting in the living room when they make their grand entrance.

" I'm here people. I will take away all the boredom and replace it with my cool." Louis declares twirling around in a royal manner.

" You mean with your dumbness, that you for some reason think is cool," Harry smirks at him.

" Well, look who's talking. You are literally the dumbest thing I've ever had to spend time with and I once sat with a rock on the beach for hours." Louis replies, sass on point before sitting down on the sofa beside Harry. Zayn sits down on the other side of Louis bringing his knees closer to his chest.

" You did? Must be miserable to be you." Zayn chuckles at Harry's remark but stops when Louis looks back at him murderously.

He can tell that Louis is thinking about his comeback but before it can get any more savage, Liam enters the room." Harry, Louis, behave. Hi, Zayn." Zayn's cheeks heat up at the way Liam is smiling at him. Not in the mood to stutter through an embarrassing greeting he just sticks to waving at the brunette.

" Louis, did Liam tell you he was grounded and has to babysit his sisters and now we have to do it with him?" Niall pipes up from his place on the love seat. It's only when Niall mentions it that Zayn takes notice of the two little girls sitting on the other side of the room. He smiles at the younger one who seems to be looking at him and by the smile that is returned to him, he can tell he does the right thing.

" What? Liam, you cheat!" Louis jumps up from his position to look at Liam.

" They'll fall asleep in a few minutes and then it'll be like they don't even exist." Liam rolls his eyes at Louis' dramatics.

" Hey!" The oldest of the two sisters yell bringing their attention to them. She is an exact replica of Liam just with longer hair and smaller built.

" Nicki it's time to sleep." Liam walks over to them, picking the youngest up in his arms. Zayn feels like he's melting into himself. Sue him, Liam looks cute with children.

" But I wanna pway." The little girl mumbles putting up a closed fist against her eyes.

" Play in the morning, Ruthie." Liam tries her best to convince her but Zayn can see that he's losing the battle against those puppy eyes. He doesn't blame him.

" Pway wiff your fweind?" A coo bubbles out of his lips and suddenly everyone is looking at him. Zayn feels the blush that works its way up his neck and all he can do is shrug.   
Liam gives him one of his toothy smile and Zayn's heart almost explodes out of his chest." Okay but only for a little while. Okay?" He tells her sister.

" Yay!" She jumps off of him and rushes towards them.  
Turns out minutes in Liam's definition are hours. The girls don't seem to want to sleep and as much as Liam wants to he can't scream them to sleep. Zayn finds that children are more clever than they let on and they will go to great lengths to make sure they get what they want. They have already played hide and seek, I spy and built a pillow fort when Nicola tells them she wants to draw and color. Zayn wants to know where the kids are finding their energy from because he's tired already and is thinking of skipping game night itself.

" I've already told you, Nickie. We are not going to draw and color. You're going to sleep." Liam says this time a bit more sternly.

Nicola narrows her eyes before spitting out a," I'll tell Mommy, you took money from her wallet."

" What? That never happened." Liam splutters out. He looks around at everyone who is laughing now and keeps shaking his head." She's lying."

" And also that you sneak out when you're grounded all the time," Nicola smirks at him.

" Okay, we're doing drawing and color." Liam declares, earning himself a lot of whining.

" No, fair Liam. I did not sign up for this." Louis pushes himself up from his position on the pillow fort before looking at Zayn, who is already getting up ready to go home.

" Lou, shut up okay. You owe me this, remember when the twins were..." Liam is interrupted before he can complete the sentence and now Zayn really wants to know what he was going to say.

" Yeah, so where are the colors." Louis takes Nicola's hand who takes him to her supply cabinet. Something tells Zayn that this isn't the first time that something like this has happened.  
For the next hour, they draw random things and color in them. Well, Zayn draws random things and everybody else colors. The girls really seem to like flowers, so he just draws more and more of flowers for them.

" You really like flowers?" Harry asks him as he hands him another colorless one to fill in.

He's smiling at him and maybe that's why he has the urge to smile back too." Maybe."

" It's good that you're in touch with your feminine side." He says and something twists in Zayn's gut, he checks Harry's face to see if he's being sarcastic but he's just smiling at him honestly. A blush works its way up to his neck." Unlike some people I know." Zayn chuckles as Louis pushes another conspicuous drawing of a banana.

" What? I just like banana's." Louis' smirks, the amused undertone more discernable now that Zayn knew about his crush and all.

" I never knew that you could draw." Liam is looking at his flowers all scattered around the place.

" Not many people do." His answer is simple.

" Well, they should." And that's all it takes for Zayn's heart to do a somersault against his chest. He notices how Liam looks at his drawings, something akin to admiration painted on his face and he can't help but look at the drawings again, trying to find what's that special in them. He finds nothing but the flowers themselves.

Game night doesn't really happen and they just draw until all of them get tired and leave for their respective beds. All the way back Zayn can't help but think about what Liam said and what it made him feel like. He wants to laugh at himself. He's officially the person who needs someone to tell them they're good for them to believe it.

Pathetic.


	3. 3

It's later the same year that Liam asks him out to coffee.

" Will you come with me for a coffee this Friday?" He asks, a little nervous. They're in the hallways making their way back from lunch. 

" Sure," Zayn responds and by the huge smile that he gets in return he knows it is the right answer. 

It is much later in the day when they're walking back home that he tells Louis about it. 

" Dude, he just asked you out." Louis looks at him as if he's grown another head. The expression on his face isn't helping Zayn discern if he's joking or not.

" No," He answers. Why would Liam ask him out?

" Yes, He did." Louis' eyes shine in a way he's only ever seen when he's talking about Harry, who he finally asked out after another two months of Zayn having to endure their sass-offs and they have been insufferable ever since.

" Like friends." Zayn clarifies. He doesn't know what Louis is on about because Liam absolutely did not ask him out.

" Have I ever asked you out to coffee?" Louis rolls his eyes.

" No." And he hasn't.

" Have I ever asked Harry out to coffee?" Louis sings it out.

" Yes." Zayn's voice comes out meek because even if he knows what his friend is implying Liam Payne still didn't ask him out, thank you very much.

" He just asked you out," Louis says it again as if he's trying to imprint it on his mind. Zayn is about to tell him how stupid that sounds but then Louis' phone pings. 

" Harry?" Zayn asks when Louis smiles at the device like a maniac. He is actually very happy for them. No one deserves love more than Louis. 

" You wanna say he didn't ask you out again?" Louis' pushes the phone in his face. 

' I asked Zayn out. You think he likes chocolates?' Zayn's eyes moved to the sender. 'Liam' He read and it was like every muscle in his body froze.

" Shit." Was all he could say. Liam Payne had really asked him out. What was he going to do? Why does Liam like him?

Zayn breathes heavily as Louis brings him under his arm." Don't worry. Just tell him you aren't into him." His smile drops when Zayn doesn't respond to him, eyes still fixed on his face. " Omg, you are though aren't you." Louis' stops walking, hand still on Zayn's shoulder.

" No." Zayn stutters and pushes the hand on his shoulder and starts walking ahead of him. The thought of admitting it to anyone feels like something impossible. He knows Louis isn't hypocritical and he is the only one who would accept him with open arms but he's been keeping it to himself for so long that he doesn't really know if he can do it.

" Whatever helps you sleep at night." Louis catches up with him pretty quickly.

" I'm not gay, Louis." His tone comes out more defensive then he intends for it to be. They're getting closer to their houses and the urge to run the rest of the way is real.

" I'm not trying to say you are and why do you say it like that? Is it really that bad? Being gay?" Louis' pulls him by his shirt so he is directly looking at him.

" I didn't mean it like that." Zayn swallows at the hurt shining in Louis' eyes, gaze dropping to the ground. He's done it again, hurt the only person who might actually care about him.

" What did you mean it like, then? Because from where I stand you want to be anything but that." Louis spits out, the hurt in his eyes morphing into something more bitter. Zayn watches as his friend shakes his head making him feel like a lost cause before rushing back to his house not even giving him the chance to explain.

He stands there, on the street contemplating his next move. Louis is mad at him he knows and like all the other times he has majorly fucked it up. He wants to go after Louis, wants to sit him down and explain to him how wrong he actually was and it was far more complicated for him than it was for Louis. But was it? 

In the end, he just shrugs his bag off and sits down outside Louis' door, hoping that the older lad would have a reason to walk out of there door and would be willing to give Zayn another chance. It was yet another example of the lack of his social skills. If he were a normal person, he wouldn't be sitting out here waiting for his friend to come out but go inside himself and probably cuddle him into forgiveness. And even though, he wants to, he really does, he's too self-conscious for that. Fortunately for him, it doesn't take long for the Tomlinson's to notice him. His fingers are almost numb when he hears one of the twins calling up his name. 

" Zaynie!" It's Doris, curls flying up in her face as she races towards him. Zayn chuckles opening up his arms in just enough time to let her collide against his chest. 

" How's my pretty lady?" He lets his hand rest on the back of her head snuggling into the warmth of her little body. He's been around long enough for them to adopt him. It doesn't hurt that they're the most adorable creatures he's ever met.

" We went to park and there were so many.." Her eyes light up as she opens up both of her arms to emphasize on just how many. " So so so many little babies and they were so cute." Zayn laughs placing a soft kiss on her temple. 

" Zay-Zay!" Ernest crawls under her sister's legs to sit right on Zayn's lap. Zayn doesn't even flinch when he takes his face in both of small hands and brushes his lips against his forehead. He's the cuddly one.

" Ernie bear." Zayn squeezes his arms around both the twins earning a set of giggles. Seeing the twins so happy all the time makes Zayn want to be happy with them. He can never stop smiling when he's around them.

" Hi, Zayn. How are you?" He cranes his neck to look up at the couple standing in front of him. Lottie is carrying all of the excess food left from what Zayn suspects were a little picnic party while Tommy follows her laden in all sorts of toys. Zayn smiles at them. He admires them for staying strong even after everything fell apart. Louis has told him that Lottie doesn't cry anymore and even though all of them miss their mother and it still feels like there's a gaping hole in their family but they're not falling apart anymore. 

" Okay." He mumbles out still clutching onto the twins. Ernest has his head snuggled up to his chest and Doris is trying to make him flutter his eyelashes on her finger.

Lottie returns the smile with the same enthusiasm and walks over to them. She juggles the food containers and pulls out her key." I need to put these little monsters for a nap. You wanna come in?"

He can tell she suspects that he's waiting for Louis but what she doesn't know is that he's waiting for him to come out." Erm... No, I'm good." He swallows letting Doris pull out from his grasp and jump towards the door.

" Just sitting here? It's cold." Tommy gives him an incredulous look but he just snuggles closer to Ernest making the toddler wrap his arms around his shoulder.

"Yeah," He knows it's not the right answer when Tommy's eyes widen but he still sticks to it and the awkwardness that he has created in mere seconds. Well, at least he's good at something.

" Okay. Come on, you two." Lottie takes Doris' hand and Ernest jumps after them leaving Zayn to the cold, alone.

" Bye Zaynie." They wave at him, their smiles bright.

" Bye." He waves back, realizing that he felt a little less like shit then he had before.

It's not long after they go in that Zayn feels another body settling beside him. He is shivering slightly, it's not too bad, but Louis' arm around his shoulders feel like heaven. 

" Louis I..." He chokes on the tears that he hadn't realize were there. Now that Louis is here he doesn't really know what to say. Should he say he's sorry? Should he say he's confused? Or should he tell him the truth? He just feels like crying.

Louis doesn't give him much time to contemplate." I used to study in a Catholic school. Was the Drama department's golden child." His voice is soft, whispy at the ends." There was this guy who I really liked and well we started going out." Zayn lets himself look the other boy and he wishes he hadn't. Louis' eyes have a faraway look to them as if he's looking back at the moments he's narrating to him." Well, he liked to boast. Bastard couldn't keep it to himself that he was dating the golden boy and well word got around how I was a cock slut." Zayn's gasps. Louis just shakes his head, eyes watering his smile falling into a little frown. " The people who loved me praised me they all started to hate me and in that one instant, I went from being the golden boy to being absolute trash." Zayn lets his arms wound around the older boy's waist bringing them as close to each other as possible. Louis' doesn't stop him only falling more into his hold then he ever had. " I lost everything. My friends, my supporters, my dream. Everything." His voice cracks and Zayn thinks his heart is going to burst from the second-hand anguish. " They kicked me out. Came back home and my parents were sat there waiting for me. The school had called them and at that point, I was just waiting for them to fuck me over and give me the space to die. I remember my mum was crying and she just hugged me and kept saying how she was sorry for all of what had happened and how I didn't deserve any of it." As Louis lets the last bit of his composure go, Zayn feels his own tears leaking from the corners of his eyes. " My father just smiled and told me that I was stronger than all of this and I'd get through everything. That one day everyone would become unimportant and I would be my only priority." Zayn is not sure if he sobs or gasp as Louis turns to him taking his face in his hands. His blue eyes are still swimming in tears but they are more serious now, unwavering. " So, Zayn when you become your own priority, you'll know what I mean when I say it's okay to be yourself and nothing matters more than that." Zayn actually sobs at that. It's crazy how similar it is to the first time they sat down together and even if Zayn's not the one telling his story this time, he's still the one bawling out his frustrations. Never once does Louis make him feel like he's an attention seeker who ends up making everything about himself. He just holds him until Zayn composes himself enough that he could walk back to his house and collapse in a heap of misery and frustration.

It's the next day when they're walking to school when he lets his frustration morph into words. He's been thinking about it all night, trying to find the right words to explain to his best friend how fucked up he actually is.

" My parents are very religious." Louis stops for a second and looks at him. He gives him a sympathetic smile and brings him under his arm.  
" Zayn, you don't..." He smiles back but shakes his head stopping the older lad mid-sentence.  
" No, I know. I need to." He insists, and he does. He needs to get out before it eats him up. " So, religious. And my dad is stubborn about what he believes and as much as I want to be myself and convince myself that I don't care about them, they mean everything to me. It's just so hard sometimes because they don't seem to give a shit about me." There's a humorless chuckle that follows that sentence. " But I do everything for them, Lou and they don't even see it." He feels the feeling of choking up in his own words returning but he swallows it opting to smile back at his friend.

" Start living your life for yourself, Zaynie. You'll find a meaning in there somewhere." With that Louis brings him in for a tight hug and then they are walking to school as if Zayn hadn't just accepted the root of all of his problems. 

For the longest of times, he thought if he talks about it, it would become too real and then he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it. However, the outcome is pretty much the opposite. He doesn't even think about it anymore. No more sleepless nights and no more endless thinking. 

Also, He ends up going to the little coffee date with Liam.


	4. 4

Liam makes him happy, he realizes.

They go on many dates after that first one and well Liam is all things amazing that once Zayn used to dream about. He holds his hands and pulls him up into his lap, unceremoniously all the time. He introduces him to all his friends and tells them about how talented of an artist he is until Zayn is as red as a tomato and he has to physically shut Liam's mouth before he can embarrass him any further. 

The first time they kiss is after their school wins the against the local team. Liam makes the winning goal and Zayn doesn't think he has ever screamed this high before, let alone in public where people could see him. He's jumping on his toes when he sees Liam making his way to him. A few giggles escape him as he is scooped up and Liam twirls them around, his lips colliding against his own. 

How very cliche.

The kiss is more adrenaline then feelings but it leaves Zayn feeling as if he could fly and he has never felt like that. At least not in a good way. Liam takes him out to dinner after that, ignoring his team in favor of having him for a few more hours and Zayn has never felt this important in his life. They stop around at Liam's place so that he could change and it turns out little Ruthie and Nikkie haven't forgotten about him. They drag him into their room and order him to make 'pretty stuffies' for them. 

He is really starting to believe Louis' theory about him being a child whisperer. They pile up on the floor with the art necessities and that is how Liam find's them. Both the girl's shriek when their brother suggests that they should get going and Zayn could only give him a sheepish smile and a half-hearted shrug. 

Liam proceeds to pout much like a toddler until Zayn convinces the little girls that he'll come back with all his goodness some other day. They're pretty reluctant but in the end, they let him follow his brother out of the house. Liam hugs him tightly when they're out of the house and drops a kiss in his hair. 

" Please, don't like them more than me. Everybody likes them more than me. It's so unfair." Zayn chuckles at the brunettes antics.

" But they're a lot cuter." Zayn knows he's teasing Liam but it's so much fun when the other boy huffs out.

" No, I'm cuter." He says as a matter of factly. 

Zayn pinches his cheek, the little frown set on Liam's cupids bow too much for him." You're adorable."

" And you're mine. I won't let anyone else charm you away from me!" Liam declares before literally sweeping Zayn off of his feet and running towards the bus station.

Everything about it is far better than Zayn could ever imagine but his favorite part is how Liam understands him. He understands how Zayn can't always talk with the ease that other can. He appreciates the few words he lets out. He understands how it takes time for Zayn to open up to people and doesn't expect him to be all buddy-buddy with all of his friends. Surprisingly, it's easy for him to understand how Zayn can't stand crowds for too long and he does everything in his power to stop it from getting too awkward. Liam is a blessing and Zayn could never ask for anything better.

Now, that they are going out, things are a lot easier. Zayn doesn't feel like drowning all the time and when he does he just has to find Liam and let him coddle him until he felt good about himself. 

It's good, things are good. 

Until he's in his bed at night left alone with his subconsciousness. It's a harsh voice at the back of his head. It convinces him that a day will come when even Liam will get tired of him. He will surrender to the complexity of his personality. He will realize that Zayn is an attention seeker, a shallow human being. And everything will go back to being shitty. It isn't like it would surprise him much. Lately, there's more that has gone wrong than right. After all, it's Zayn we're talking about. He fucks up everything that he comes too close to.

 

+

 

The second time it gets bad enough for him to acknowledge is when his dad sees him with Liam. It's lunch, they're sitting on the bleachers, their heads touching each other as they steal a few kisses against each other's smiles. Liam is sneaking in a few strawberries from his plate here and there and Zayn thinks they look as ridiculous as Louis and Harry on good days, if not more. Zayn licks the ends of the strawberry sticking out from Liam's mouth letting a giggle follow. Something darkens in Liam's eyes as he tightens his hold around Zayn and brings him even closer to himself. Zayn waits to see if Liam wants to initiate the impending make out session or if he could take the lead this time but then Liam's lips are swallowing his own and there's no telling who's leading who, just a game of clashing against each other like synchronized tides.

" Zayn!" It is so unexpectant to hear his dad's voice in school that he sputters against Liam's lips before looking around frantically for the source of the voice. His dad looks the perfect picture of unimpressed. His fists tight laying at his sides, eyes harsh, nostrils flaring in fury. " Get down right now." The coldness behind those words leave chills running across his spine. Zayn jumps away from a confused looking Liam and follows his dad as he makes his dramatic exit. 

" Zayn," Liam calls out to him and Zayn doesn't stop to look back but his dad does. He swallows hard as his dad gives him an angry look waiting for him to make his move. He has never felt this caged in his entire life and something deep inside him wants to rebel. It wants to crawl it's way out of his chest and consume him entirely. So, he lets it.

He knows he's smiling when his dad gives him an odd look. He turns towards Liam who looks more concerned than anything and he realizes how unfair it is for him to bring Liam into all of this. " Dad," He walks backward towards Liam and falls into his side casually. " This is my boyfriend, Liam. I really like him and I guess he really likes me."

His dad looks like he would combust any second. It's not surprising- at least to him, he can't say anything about the way Liam flinched- when he pulls him from his shoulder and almost drags him all the way back to the car. He pushes him into the passenger seat before walking across the other side and starting the car.

" I get called by the principal because she's worried about your slipping grades and then I see you with that..." He stops short, teeth gritting against each other. Zayn can't help but laugh at his immature behavior. That only earns him an even angrier dad. " You think this is funny! I'll tell you what is, how I spend every single penny I have to provide you and your mum with the best living but I still don't get anything in return." His words harsh as he makes a turn toward their lane. All of the humor drains from Zayn's face. 

" What?" He voices out his thoughts, incredulity thick in his voice.

" Don't 'what' me? Do you even know how hard I work? When I was a young boy I had nothing okay and now I've created a name for myself and I won't fucking let you ruin it for me." His eyes cross between him and the road. Zayn feels like his heart was caving into itself with every passing second.

" So being myself is equal to ruining your name? How?" He asks, the little rebel in him still alive. By the looks on his dad's face, he can tell that he's surprised that he's still talking. He is too, usually at this point he just gives up and listens to whatever his dad has to say. Clearly, things have changed.

" You are not gay!" His dad bites that out as if it physically pains him to word out what he had found about his son. 

" But I am." Zayn almost rolls his eyes. 

" No! You are not. I will not accept." The more his dad talks the more he gets disappointed in life. All his hopes of it getting better someday were crushed left by Liam's side on the bleachers.

" It's 2017 dad that shit is getting old." He can almost hear the same words ringing in his head in Louis' voice. In that second he realizes that's what changed. Now that he has people that accept him, he doesn't want to believe the ones who don't.

" See this is why you think you're gay because of these people telling you it's okay to be one." He looks at his dad for an entire minute, contemplating how to even answer to that messed up logic but couldn't.

" It is dad!" He was more than exasperated at this point and he could see it had done nothing to move his dad from his point of view. " It is okay!"

His dad looks at him one last time, eyes stern and Zayn already knows he's lost the battle. " You will not talk about this ever again! And I will make sure you stay away from that boy!"

He sighs as the tears finally show up." He makes me happy." He says as a last attempt to help out his case.

" He is distracting you and letting you believe all the lies." He pulls up in their driveway and rushes into the house. And that's the end of it.

Zayn sits in the car for a while just letting his emotions consume him, trying to think about anything other than dying but as pitiful as it sounds death is the only thing he is certain about. He doesn't know how long he sits there but he only moves when his mum comes out to him practically begging him to come inside. She's been crying he can tell, her eyes are red, cheeks puffy. He lets her drag him inside and lets her hand feed him a couple of bites of lunch. When he starts to cry a little harder, she hugs him and lets him stay there in her embrace for a longer than he has ever. He doesn't like breaking down like this but he has had enough dodging life for the last year and he can't just keep pretending to be okay. He's not strong and he lets them know. He cries until he can't anymore. Let's his mother tuck him in bed and cuddle up to him. They don't talk about it but he knows she knows and just knowing that tears him apart. 

' Telling you lies.' His father's words ring in his ears again and again until he starts believing it. He cries himself to sleep that night but he's peaceful now things are already too wrong to go any wronger, at least he can stop being afraid of the universe hitting him in his face again.

How very naive of him.


End file.
